Newsletter Articles

I promised myself I'd be good today…I really messed up. I'm such a failure…How could I let myself go like this? I'm so fat…There is no way I can have Oreo's in the house. They go right to my hips…I will never get it together.

Have you tuned in lately to the chatter of your mind? Try it and see what you notice.

You may find that you go through the motions of your day with your mind someplace else. You're so busy thinking about the food you shouldn't have eaten or will eat later that you eat without really tasting what is in front of you. Or you fantasize about how great your life will be when you lose weight and miss out on what is happening in the moment. You may discover that you're on automatic pilot, reacting to the pull of goodies or ignoring feelings by stuffing or starving yourself.

If you keep track of your thoughts, you may also discover that you spend a lot of time criticizing yourself. Many of us carry a voice within, a critic who constantly reminds us of our failures. This inner critic cannot be satisfied. It is like an insatiable monster that gets stronger the more you try to please it or outsmart it. For girls and women, the critical voice nearly always has negative judgments about body shape coupled with negative opinions about eating and weight. Is there a way to change what has become a vicious cycle?

There is, but realize that you cannot talk yourself out of it. As strange as it seems, by compassionately listening to what the mind is saying while doing mindfulness meditation, it is possible to change the chatter. In "Full Catastrophe Living", Jon Kabat-Zinn writes about the benefits of mindfulness practices and presents practical steps for transforming one's life. He describes seven interrelated attitudes that form the foundation of practice: non-judging, patience, beginner's mind, trust, non-striving, acceptance and letting go. Attention to any of them affects your ability to access and strengthen the others as well.

Non-judging. This attitude invites you to step back from the constant automatic judgments generated by your mind and simply observe what is happening, without trying to change anything. If you notice yourself being critical of your body or yelling at yourself for making "bad" food choices, just notice the thoughts and keep letting go.

Most of us have goals, to lower blood pressure or lose weight or alleviate pain. With the attitude of non-striving, you are invited to pull back from striving for results and simply allow whatever is happening to be. Movement toward your goals will take place by itself as you listen to and gain trust in yourself and your process.

Patience is being willing to allow your own process to unfold. Americans are impatient people. We expect instant beauty, instant success. Just as a butterfly takes it's own time to evolve from a chrysalis, recovery from eating and weight issues takes time. If you allow yourself to be curious, you can be open to each moment with a beginner's mind, thus seeing freshly what each moment holds.

There is no magic. No one has you the answers for you. Mindfulness meditation is one way to first observe and thus quiet (and potentially change) the chatter in your mind. For once you 'see' what's there, you can become more conscious, and true change comes consciously. The important thing is to begin to act in your own best interest with love and compassion.

What do you want? No, no, not the obvious answer: "I want to be thin…I want a million dollars…I want a promotion." What does your heart want? What does your soul yearn for?

It can be tricky to find out because your deepest wants are often buried under more superficial ones. Paula Reeves, in Heart Sense writes, "…your heart is distilling every experience down to what is essential for your well-being, not what is pleasing to others or what is merely good enough to get by." Have you ever arrived at a weight you thought you wanted only to find that: a) you still were not happy, b) it wasn't good enough and/or c) you couldn't stay there?

You can fashion a life around wanting that is an illusion. If you spend all of your time dreaming about what it will be like when you have what you think you want, you miss out on what is in the present. You secretly sabotage your efforts. Advertisers not only prey on people's wants, in many cases they create them. "You deserve a break today." "Super-size it!" "Erase cellulite."

Another huge barrier to discovering your heart's desire is unexamined fear. People often avoid checking in with their intuition for fear of what they will find. Why? When the fear alarm is aroused, the body systems are flooded with fight or flight chemicals that paralyze the desire to look deeper. They weaken your courage. So you avoid and miss out on the message the fear was trying to send you.

There are many ways to practice calming yourself when you begin to panic. Open breathing from the belly is a first step. Another is taking yourself, in your imagination, to a safe place where you have the resources to be loving. Hatred and fear block effective knowing and action. In the safe, belly-breathing place you can calmly extend love and allow the body to soften. Doesn't that make you weak? Paul Linden (www.being-in-movement.com) teaches body exercises that demonstrate that "Real strength is soft, considerate, and gentle. Softness is the key to both peace and strength."

During a guided imagery exercise in a Feeding the Hungry Heart group this summer, I invited people to ask, "What do you want?" Here are some of their answers: "I didn't want food." "I wanted to listen to me." "I wanted physical affection." "One of the things I stuff the hardest are my wants." "My wanting is rarely about physical hunger."

Are you willing to ask your deep heart what it wants? If so, breath deeply, find a safe place, soften your body, extend love even to your doubts and fears, and get ready to take notes. Your heart has been waiting for you to ask.

What does not satisfy when we find it, was not the thing we were desiring. - C. S. Lewis

Topic - Mindful Living/Mindful Eating (Click on highlighted heading to find article)

Losing 
Weight…an endless battle?

Nearly every day another news bulletin announces the alarming rise in the number of people who are overweight. Statistics are quoted for children, for adults, for persons of various ethnic backgrounds. No doubt about it…there are more round bodies in America than ever before.

Q. What is the fastest way to lose weight?
A. A diet that restricts food intake.

Q. What is the surest way to gain weight?
A. A diet that restricts food intake.

Double speak? Statistics and personal experience tell us that almost anyone can lose weight on the first try with a food plan that limits intake. Unfortunately, 90-95% of people who lose weight following a diet plan, regain that weight and add even more weight than they had before they started. Plus they feel like a failure. It is really the diet that has failed them. Their body is responding to weight loss in the way bodies usually do, by bulking up in preparation for the next famine.

At Freedom from Dieting, we operate from the belief that you can find a way to make peace with food and with your life without following restrictive food plans.

Dieting 
myths:

Myth #1 Someone else knows better than you what you should eat.

Although dietitians know a lot about what and how much to eat, the truth is that only you know whether you are hungry and how much will satisfy you on any given day. Most diets teach you to ignore hunger and eat according to a plan. If you have ignored your body for a long time, it will take awhile to listen to your body's needs. In time you will learn to distinguish between physical and emotional hunger. You will find a place of inner direction.

Myth #2 Your eating can be controlled with willpower.

Willpower works well in many areas of life. It helps you study for a test or complete a project at work. It keeps you motivated on your first diet. For some mysterious reason, willpower just doesn't seem to work when it comes to making food choices for a sustained period of time. The more we deprive ourselves, the more desirable that food becomes. When you let go of "control" and tune in to inner knowing, a true choice can be made.

Myth #3 Losing weight will solve your problems.

Getting to a better weight may allow you to move more easily and shop for clothes in regular sizes. However, if nothing has changed inside in regard to why you turned to food in the first place, chances are you will quickly regain the weight. Learning skills in how to deal with emotions that arise from life's challenges creates a foundation for lasting healing.

Myth#4 Your body is unacceptable as it is now.

The ideal body portrayed in the media is unrealistic. The attempt to shape the body to meet a standard often initiates a long-term battle with food. Bodies of real people come in many shapes and sizes. Acquiring compassion for and appreciation of your body stops the never-ending cycle of body shame.

The first step in recovery from eating and weight issues involves admitting that what you have been doing is not working. It means showing up and choosing to be present to life in a way that is true to yourself, not to others. There is a recognition, sudden or gradual, that the next diet will be no better than the last, that science will never find a magic pill, that your obsession with externals has really prevented you from dealing with deeper issues. You take a step toward saying NO to self punishment, body bashing and deprivation.

The next stage can be exhilarating and terrifying. There is a sense of freedom as you leave food prison and pay attention to what you really want to eat. In the process of legalizing food, you allow yourself to re-learn what hunger, satisfaction and fullness are like. You start to challenge cultural standards of beauty as you ask, "Who says I am not O.K. as I am?" These behaviors can be terrifying because eating without dieting may feel like a binge and acceptance of your body as it is can feel like defeat. Support is essential in this stage to prevent a return to familiar patterns.

With patience, the authentic self emerges from hiding. You eat mostly when you are physically hungry and although bingeing rarely happens, you may still not be able to stop when your body has had enough. There is an ability to be truthful with yourself about your imperfections without harsh judgment. You gather supportive people with whom you can be truthful. As you use food less to deal with emotions, the real issues that caused you to overeat or to restrict in the first place emerge. Life skills of nurturing yourself and setting boundaries are practiced more consistently.

In this last, ongoing stage of recovery you access the ability to trust yourself and the process. You no longer need to control your eating and by letting go, you find that you can stop. Food has lost the hold it once had on you. You deal with the essential pain of life issues with increased self confidence. There may be a period of grieving as you detach from the labels you have lived with for so long. You are able to make healthier food choices without feeling like you are on a diet. You accept yourself even though you are not perfect. You treat yourself with love and respect.

You may find yourself in one or in several of these stages. Each person makes the journey at their own pace. Wherever you are, know that by turning inside to find your authentic self, you will know what you need next.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived happily in her body. When she got sleepy, she slept, when she was hungry, she ate, and when her body said she'd had enough, she stopped. This continued until voices outside her started saying, "You must eat everything on your plate...you must eat peas before you can have dessert." Sometimes she wanted a hug and instead she got a cookie. Sometimes she wanted a cookie and was told, "That's not for you."

At first, she kept eating just what she wanted and stopped eating no matter how much was on her plate. In a little while, she ate more if more was there. She was no longer sure if she was hungry or not. Sometimes she ate when she was really tired and needed sleep. The inside messages were no longer very clear while the voices outside became louder: "avoid pasta...eat pasta...eat more vegetables...eat only protein...count fat grams...count calories...." Her mind grew dizzy from the advice. In the beginning, eating had been just eating. In a short while or a long while, eating became Comfort and Reward and Punishment and Shame.

One day, when she couldn't take it anymore, she threw out all the diet books, pills and meal replacements; she resigned her membership in the Club of Shoulds, and began the journey back to find her body.

At first, it was very scary. The girl was afraid she would gain 100 pounds and eat all the cookies in Columbus. She met a crone who assured her that she was on the right path and told her what to expect on the road to recovery. "One of the first things you must learn," said the crone, "is to ask your body what it wants to eat. Then give yourself permission to eat and stop yelling at yourself for not eating perfectly. Remember, you must ignore all the outside eating rules to hear the voice of your body."

"Oh my," she said, "how will I know how to stop?" The crone spoke again, "In time, your body will remember. It helps if you can wait to eat until you are physically hungry. Some people eat each time their body tells them they are hungry and they stop when they are just starting to get satisfied. Other people eat whatever they want three times a day so they have a chance to feel hunger in between. In time, you may even choose to think your eating through from the first bite to how you will feel afterward. You will find the best way as you walk."

In a short while or a long while, the girl, now woman, did find her way. Once again she could sleep when she was tired, she could eat what and when she wanted and stop when she had enough. Once again she lived happily in her body.

Unhappily, many children and adults in America struggle with stopping when they have eaten enough. Part of the reason may be linked with the amount of food served. A study of the eating patterns of children in a preschool program in Pennsylvania, found that when three and a half year old children were served small, medium and large portions of Macaroni and Cheese on different days, serving size did not seem to matter...they didn't eat more when served more. However, a matched group of 5-year olds in the same day care program, did eat more when they were served large portions. Similar studies in adults show the same pattern. When adults were served larger portions, they ate more.

And in America, portion sizes are supersized. When McDonalds introduced french fries in the 1950s, the only size available was small, with 220 calories. Now, for 3 cents more, we can buy large fries with 540 calories. The original Coca-Cola bottle held 6 ounces, now 12 oz. or a liter is common. Even the size of dinner plates has increased from 9 inch diameter plates to 13 inches.

Should we all use small plates and limit our servings? The solution is not that simple. Externally imposed eating limits almost always backfire and result in overeating. As in the story on this page, people can re-acquire the body wisdom they had when they were born; they can learn again to stop when they have had enough.

Whatever happen with your eating experience, know that you are entering a new level of awareness simply by considering these questions. Also know: You are loveable and acceptable right now regardless of what you are or when you stopped.

Do you avoid looking in mirrors and wince when you catch a glimpse of yourself? Do you yell at yourself for getting so large, maybe for getting so unhealthy? Are you tired of fighting with yourself and hating the way you look?

We have been taught that only certain bodies are acceptable, that you are personally flawed and should hate yourself if you cannot attain a below-average size. (Remember, the "average" American woman wears size 14, yet there are no size 14 anchorwomen, no size 14 models in mainstream magazines or on TV.) Even more insidious, we are told that our "flaws" are fixable - that if we go on a diet or have stomach stapling or plastic surgery - if we do something, anything, we can be "beautiful." Never mind that many models have eating disorders and ruin their health to attain thinness.

Some children are shamed early in life for their roundness. So many of my clients look at photos of themselves as children or teens and discover that they were not fat but someone said they were, and that is what they remember and must deal with. Baby fat and pre-puberty weight gain are normal, but in our current cultural climate, they are often viewed with distrust, even disgust.

"But, I need to lose weight for my health. I'm uncomfortable at this size." While it's true that excess body weight can contribute to poor health, it's not true that overweight people are always at greater risk. People can be fit and healthy at many sizes. Besides, does yelling at yourself for being fat or for being inactive send you to the gym or to the cookie jar?

"Are you saying, I should learn to like my body as it is? Size acceptance feels like 'settling' for the way I am now." I'm saying the compulsion to control our food intake and to hate our bodies separates us from our deeper selves. It takes us into an either/or world of fear where change is nearly impossible. The soul cries out for total, unconditional acceptance at any size while the world says you're not O.K. as you are. Only by stopping the inner war will the body relax and allow itself to transform naturally, compassionately.

The alternative is to begin to neutralize the internal bad body talk and treat yourself with kindness. Who says you have to wear drab, uncomfortable clothes that hide your body? What if you could begin to wear the clothes you would wear if you were thin? Shaming yourself for your size hasn't worked. Try apologizing to yourself each time a negative body message passes through your brain. Then challenge the authority of the thought by asking, "Who says I have to be small?" And even if the answer is, "I say so", you can gently, persistently set the negative body talk aside and say something loving to yourself. When that happens, something turns inside. A glimmer of hope is kindled. Self love has begun.

She had to have food and she had to have it now! Life itself seemed to hang in the balance. Lips pursed, urgent with need she turned left and right until she found the source of supply. She guzzled for the first few minutes then settled down to a steady pace, her tense body finally relaxing as calm returned. The food was working it's usual magic. Soon she would be numbed and fall gently asleep.

The description of a binge??? OR Observations on the feeding behavior of a healthy young infant. Recently, I had the privilege of being around a three-week old infant and was mesmerized. One moment she was playful and delighted with life, the next in absolute distress. Emotions flashed across her forehead like an electronic billboard: happy, concerned, delighted, fearful. Feeding could be delayed briefly, but once she decided she was hungry, nothing else would satisfy. Her loving parent identified, then met her need and calm returned.

Adult hunger can feel every bit as urgent as infant hunger. Over time, other needs can become confused with and feel similar to physical hunger. Some of the more common are the need for self-identity, self-expression, boundary setting, and nurturing relationships. Without skill building in these areas, people who use food to cope with life stressors, remain needy.

We wouldn't yell at an infant for being hungry or needy. We don't give it a second thought when we yell at ourselves. What would it be like, the next time you are hungry, lonely, angry or tired to say, "There, there, what's going on? I'll stay with you while you figure it out." It takes strong nurturing to sit with our crying inner child instead of burying the emotion with a cookie. Sometimes the need can't be identified or fixed right away. It takes boundary setting to let our wise loving inner parent come forth...the one who accepts her/his limitations, who is willing to live with mystery and confrontation and pain. The cure comes out of loving, not yelling; out of staying with, not covering over; out of patient inner skill building, not reliance on quick fixes.

Repeat the above steps and remember, You are loveable and acceptable right now regardless of what you ate or what the scale says.

Deep at the Center of My Being, there is an infinite well of love. I now allow this love to flow to the surface. It fills my heart, my body, my mind, my consciousness, my very being, and radiates out from me in all directions and returns to me multiplied. The more love I use and give, the more I have to give; the supply is endless...I love myself; therefore I take loving care of my body. I lovingly feed it nourishing foods and beverages, I lovingly groom it and dress it, and my body lovingly responds to me with vibrant health and energy. I love myself; therefore, I provide for myself a comfortable home, one that fills all my needs and is a pleasure to be in. I fill the rooms with the vibration of love so that all who enter, myself included, will feel this love and be nourished by it.

Why do you keep offering groups and workshops? Isn't individual work faster and better?

It's true that most of my clients see me individually and enjoy that format. It is also true that the support of a cluster can be a vital element in the journey toward recovery. Circles, whether they are formed for a half-day workshop or for a group that meets weekly, provide a protective ring of safety that invites the soul to expand to a greater potential. Julia Cameron says, "We are meant to midwife dreams for one another. We cannot labor in place of one another, but we can support the labor that each must undertake to birth his or her art (life, my addition) and foster it to maturity." I am frequently humbled and awed by what transpires in these clusters. One woman chose "The Decider" as her new Warrior name. Within three weeks of returning to the job she felt smothered by, she had rewritten her job description, presented it to her bosses and received support for her proposal. Another retreat and group participant said her fear was that she would never find fulfilling work. She has quit her job and is interviewing for a dream job that matches her talents and abilities. Clusters can foster the courage needed to make life changes. Join us for one or many of the offerings this year.

People come into my office wanting to have their offensive eating behaviors fixed and their fat bulges trimmed like loping off the branches of a tree. They are people like Alice (a fictional client) who says, "I can't stand myself. My eating is OK during the day and I pig out on junk food in the evening when everyone else is in bed." I reply, "It's interesting that you only eat junk food at night. What else is going on? I wonder what it would be like to eat those foods during the day?" Although Alice protests and fears gaining weight, she discovers that by giving herself permission to eat the foods she wants during the day, the foods lose their forbidden, secretive quality and she can take them or leave them.

We also explore the structure of her day and decode her language. I might start by asking, "What happens just before you eat junk food." Like a video in slow reverse, Alice discovers antecedents to her actions and realizes that the only time she has to herself is in the evening. Decoding her language reinforces the discovery. Alice found that "I can't stand myself…" actually meant, "I don't stand up for myself. I meet the needs of everyone else and don't take care of myself." As Alice begins to discover her true needs and meet them, the craving for late night eating diminishes.

Some people, especially those traumatized by yo-yo dieting say, "I'm too afraid to eat junk food. I'll never stop." So instead of starting there, I might begin by asking, "How do you know you are afraid? Is afraid inside your body or outside?" "Inside," she answers. So I ask, "Where inside?" Alice points to her stomach, then to her throat. We explore various dimensions of the fear, such as when it starts, what comes before, and how long it has been there. Since afraid is in her throat, there is a high likelihood that Alice is not speaking up for herself. Whenever we stop speaking our truth, we will need some coping mechanism to deal with the inner pain. Emotions are messengers from the unconscious telling the conscious mind to pay attention to their inner purpose. As Alice learns to attend to the underlying messages and gains the skills to speak her truth, she moves far along the road to her eating solution.

These are just some of the ways we might begin. Will Alice achieve the weight loss she desires by these approaches? The answer is a resounding YES. And she will do so, not by loping off offending parts but by tending to the root of her issues and meeting her true needs. Hurrah for Alice!

Not eating or eating too much is often an attempt to hide or numb feelings. This self-help book is a valuable resource for getting to the root of disordered eating and weight issues. I especially like the format of the Love Letter as a way to discover feelings and work through them.

Simply writing the letter and feeling the feelings may be enough to restore balance or you may choose to give it to the person who was a catalyst to your feelings. After each section of exploring your feelings, he suggests you write an "I want..." Gray has found that when people express the complete truth about all of their feelings, they can realize the loving intention beneath negative emotions. The additional bonus is that speaking your truth and clarifying what you truly want is more effective than hiding your feelings with food.